Back in the saddle

It’s been the longest gap in between posts since I started this blog. A lot has happened and I’ll share it but it will possibly be in pieces. I re-read my last post just to jog my own memory so I know where to start back up again. Right now, I’m sort of forcing myself to post so it’s all a big jumble and some of what I write I’m almost embarrassed to share. Although I want to it to maybe somehow help other people who may relate to what I feel or write even the slightest bit..

I got my new teeth, a six unit permanent bridge and I don’t really know what to say about it except that I’m so happy with it. Eventually I’m hoping they will feel right at home but it’s only been a short while so time will tell. I need to get another one fixed which is in the front towards the side. It cracked and chipped and is mostly gone. I visited my oral surgeon about a possible (keyword possible) implant. So, Project: Possible Implant is a go but again, possible. Possibly possible..

I still carry fixodent and gauze with me when I go places even though I have permanent teeth. I can’t shake the habit of having to carry around fixodent, gauze, plastic pics, toothpaste and a toothbrush to clean the extra goop that would seep out of the temporary bridge I had. I still have nightmares where some or most of my teeth fall out when I eat. It feels so real.
 I also still take caution when I bite foods and chew, I know it will pass but again, I can’t shake the habit of doing this. I did it for my temporary bridge and even before when two of my teeth were loose.

I’ve been dragging myself back to the gym to exercise and get stronger as well as my water aerobics class which I recommend to everyone if they have the time or have pain or can’t do high impact exercise. A few weeks ago I think I pulled a muscle in my replacement hip leg or something because I wasn’t able to put much weight on it and it’s still not fully better. When I move it certain ways it hurts. Has anyone with a hip replacement felt this before?

Since I had my permanent bridge glued in I’ve still had anxiety. I normally have anxiety. Sometimes daily. But I’ve gotten good at sensing when it comes and doing something about it before it gets it of hand. I figured most of my anxiety that stemmed from having all the dental work done, would simmer down but it hasn’t. It’s different now. With some self-examination I’ve realized that it it’s a much more broad reason. At the time I did actually have anxiety from my teeth being worked on and the mental pain that came with it. That was there. Due to that I think I came about a deeper reason why I felt a sense of loss when the dentist drilled my original teeth down to pencil points and replaced it with a bridge…I felt loss. I felt a deep sense of loss and betrayal. Not by anyone but my something. I still can’t put my finger on it yet and maybe I never will. It’s a loss that has developed and accumulated over the years. Possibly since I lost my original heart. I’m guessing it was around there when I felt I was losing parts of myself. I’ve always been bad at giving things away. Selfishly I wanted to keep everything-toys, clothes and things like that. Even extremely weird things. Wrappers from good memories or objects that should be thrown out. So maybe it stemmed from some other traumatic experience. But I’ve gotten much better and I can give things away to people who need it.

As far as the loss I’ve recently come to notice is the fact that I’ve lost parts of my body and I think now the anxiety comes from me thinking I will eventually lose everything, physically. My heart went, most of my teeth, one hip and soon enough the other hip. I know the long-term side effects of chemotherapy and full body radiation and most of you know that fact of those bittersweet cancer treatments. So you know with cancer treatment there often comes side effects from that. So given those facts determined by doctors, I will eventually lose more of my body. Maybe it sounds dramatic and I don’t expect everyone to understand or even agree. And that’s perfectly fine. Even the brain tumors I had removed felt like a violation of loss. Sounds crazy and maybe insane. But that was mine and they took it. I wanted it out but it was something inside of me that was taken out and felt like a loss. It’s insane and I don’t know why I feel this way about the tumors. It doesn’t make sense.

The frustrating part is what I’m supposed to do with these feelings and it takes over me and covers me like a wave and makes it seem like I’m drowning. Do I ignore them and let the rest of my body eventually be replaced? Because I’m supposed to be grateful right? That I’m lucky enough to be able to get the best care and doctors. Or do I try to figure out the feelings of loss? Beg to God and just pray for help and guidance? Or that I need to cope with it? All of the above? Because I don’t know what to do or what’s even right.

This goes back to the subject of suffering. God certainly has a purpose for me and for all of what happens and for the suffering of course. But the mystery of not knowing what it is yet. I could list a whole bunch of reasons I think it could be but wondering won’t help any. It’s like I’m waiting for that lightbulb to pop up over my head. At times, more than I’d like to admit, I feel I am too young to feel this old.

I write to discover myself. I want to do more than just exist and fight these mental and physical battles. Of all of the battles, trials and difficult times, I’ve never found anything as difficult as my own self discovery. At the same time you’d be surprised at what you’re capable of handling right? I’m sure every person has felt this at one point or even more in their own lives. I’m surprised I made it this far and I didn’t know I could handle this much. But it’s beautiful I have to admit.

Thanks for reading ♥
Over and out