I’ve been purposefully not posting these few weeks because I have been avoiding all of my feelings. I have been pushing back everything that has happened these past few weeks. I had written part of a blog post and saved it as a draft but when I looked it over again, I didn’t want to post it anymore. It had a lot of anger and sadness and bitterness in it. And I always want to write how I feel don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t feel it was the right thing and it didn’t feel right either.
I have been dealing with anger, sadness and a bunch of other things. I am happy, I have a happy life, a great family and great friends. I couldn’t ask for anything better. I’m content. I just get really tired and worn from all the emotional feelings that come along with the medical things that pop up in my life. I know how to deal with them, the stages of feelings. I was talking to a church couple who have known me since I was a baby this past week. They both asked how I was doing and what I have been up to. We ended up talking about the different stages of how I go through hardships. Sadness/crying, anger/bitterness, sarcasm/jokes, acceptance. Something along those lines, not to be exact. My family knows my stages too so they understand if I get it a bad mood, the angry stage etc.
My point here is that I have been handed a bunch of things at the same time with my health lately. I am thankful I have a great team of doctors to catch things quick and figure out good solutions to fix the problem. My main source of anxiety lately is my upcoming dental work. I am going to be getting a 6 unit bridge on the top front row of my teeth. I previously had the two top lateral incisors bonded years ago back in high school. The bonding lasted up until now which isn’t the problem. Last year my oral surgeon attempted to extract and insert a dental implant in one of the lateral incisors but it didn’t take– there is not enough bone inside my gums to hold the implant. Long story short my dentist and I decided the best plan would be to extract the other loose lateral incisor and do a six unit bridge.
I don’t like to ask for things but I am asking for prayers for this Thursday when I will have all of this done. I have to get past this hard part. There will be other hard parts after the dental work but I can’t do anything but push myself and let things happen the way they’re supposed to I guess. I am sad and I am carrying this burden of anxiety that feels like a mountain. I can’t explain it other than like that. It’s just teeth, I try to tell myself but I can’t convince myself to pretend that this won’t be a big deal. I don’t think I’ve ever had to make this hard of a decision in my entire life. With the heart transplant it was no problem for some reason, I guess maybe it was life or death so that’s different. With this it just feels weird, its a feeling I’ve never had before. I want a smile and I don’t want to have to worry about the loose tooth or the bonding cracking and exposing the pencil point pathetic excuse of a tooth underneath, but that still won’t convince me to think that this will be easy. I will be able to smile at people again and look them in the eye when I talk and I’m so excited for that. I believe that pain is meant to be felt, whether it be emotional pain or physical pain. I do not believe that pain is a bad thing. It just sucks. I plan to post more frequently now but I’ll see how it goes..
Maybe after all this is over I will understand it. Maybe one day I’ll learn to wear my scars like wings, inside and out. For now I just have to be still, I am not running this show.
Thank you for reading ♥